If only I were better

 

There was once a time when I thought if only I worked harder;

if I were stronger;

or prettier;

or smarter;

or perfect;

or all things better;

that then my mother would love me.

I thought that if I could only achieve the apex of human accomplishment, then she would see me.

But love is not something that can be bought with accomplishments and attained attributes.

Love is not something that must be achieved.

Love is not something that must be withheld until a + b = perfection.

Love is compassion, forgiveness, encouragement, steadfastness, loyalty, kinship.

There is no equation, therefore there is no finality. There are many correct answers as well as many wrong ones.

Love is not linear.

Love only is.

For years I lived in fear of every relationship I was in, that eventually it would crumble, that eventually I wouldn't be "enough", and thus I had many failures. It wasn't until I unlearned all those years of emotional abuse and conditioning.

Love is not earned. Love is not given. Love is not a token that you insert into a slot machine and hope you'll get back more than what you put in.

Love is looking in the mirror and seeing all the good stuff, bad stuff, and neutral stuff and owning it.

Love is accountability to yourself.

Love is unlocking your own potential.

Love is the overflowing of self.

Once you can love who you are, then you can love others. 

Love is unlimited. Love is of perpetual abundance.

I wish I had loved myself so much sooner.